The idea of being “single” took me awhile to fully comprehend. I had given up the ideas of another first date, first kiss, and flirting in general, when I said “Yes” to the question, “Will you marry me?”. Going from one extreme to the other, while shocking at first, is starting to settle in. I have formed crushes, which is an interesting feeling, intriguing, and exciting all the same. I think it is a good sign. That the idea of interest in others has begun, rather than being stuck in a bed, curled up in a ball, still mourning the man that was lost.
There was one person in general, a customer, who I had a rather large crush on. While this was formulated merely on minimal conversations, it was there nonetheless. His smile would melt a part of my heart each morning, and his kindness always took me aback. It was a sad part of my morning today, when I found out that he has another half. A girlfriend. While this should not have ruined my mood, it did. I felt sadness, but more than anything, disappointment. Why, exactly, must this be so? Why, can’t something just go right? Why, can’t someone simply say, “Wow, you seem like a nice person, and I would really like to get to know you more?”.
I have never been the type of girl that has needed a to be in a relationship. The type of person that needs someone by their side at all times. The type of person that is scared to be alone. But, on the other side of that, it would be nice to hear that someone thinks I am neat. Thinks that I am strong. Thinks that I am worth getting to know. Rather than be dismissed, disregarded, and thrown to the side. All of which were what the man I loved did. I know that God is giving me strength every day. I know that He is by my side, that I am not alone. And that truly is enough. Perhaps He wants me to heal a little more, take more time to work on me, before the word “date” skips across my head once more.
The idea of healing is more tricky than I had originally thought. It would be much easier if there were some sort of chart that could graph ones progress. Match up how you feel, answer a number of questions, and before you knew it, you were a 7 out of 10 on the healing process. Sadly, I am realizing that is not the case. While on one hand, I feel I can handle a first date. I feel that what happened was a lifetime ago. I feel that I have more strength than I did before any of this ever occurred. But, on the other hand, whenever I see a car that looks like the one he drove, my heart stops. The mere idea of seeing his face stops me dead in my tracks. There have been a number of times a car similar to hers has driven past me, and the pain is instant. What exactly, would happen? What exactly, would be said? If we, God forbid, saw each other, face to face? Would I not say a word? Would I ask if she were sorry? Or would I simply thank her, for releasing me into a life that is going to me more incredible than it ever would have been? I hope it would be the latter, but I know it is easier said than done.
Then there are conversations that occur throughout the day with numerous customers. One, a doll of a woman mentions her wedding is in a week, and that she is at her wits end preparing for it. Another, of a young man, studying for a test that will allow him to start down the path of his professional career that he is aware of and ready for. Perhaps it is jealousy, that I do not know my path, that others lives are continuing on. Perhaps it is frustration, that I want to be where they are. Whatever the reasoning, the feeling that it causes only lasts a moment, but it feels like a poke to the heart, then slowly dwindles away.
I am learning, that this healing process is not so much a chart, or a graph, but an emotional landmine.
Driving away from work, a song by Florence and The Machine played through my speakers. While I have heard this particular song numerous times, never has it touched me the way it did today. It was exactly the reminder that I needed. That God’s love is more important than anything else. That He loves me. And that is where my faith begins, and worries end.
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need To see me through
Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through
When food is gone you are my daily need
When friends are gone I know my savior’s love is real
You know it’s real
Time after time I think “Oh Lord what’s the use?”
Time after time I think it’s just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through
-You’ve Got The Love by Florence and The Machine
My “happy” today, was watching history be made, when the Los Angeles Kings won their first ever Stanley Cup. For forty-five years, fans have waited for this moment, and tonight, it finally happened. While I am not positive as to when my voice will be back, I do know that I will not be forgetting the incredible feeling of watching what occurred tonight. A team of young kids coming together for a common goal, achieving it, and celebrating with their families and loved ones. Perhaps one of the best hockey games I have ever seen with my own eyes, this night is most definitely for the ages.