April 2013
4 posts
Palms Up.
I prayed a lot this year.
I always thought I had a pretty good relationship with Him, but was not so pleasantly surprised when I realized how far from the truth that actually was. But, when the ground you walk on is taken out from under you, it’s incredible how quickly you look up. And it’s incredible how quickly you feel His arms wrapped tightly around you, making sure you...
When Heaven Crashes In.
How does one prepare for a day they have been waiting to experience all year long?
How does one celebrate a day that was once to hold such a different type of meaning?
How does one simply wrap their head around the idea that their one year of intentional healing is in fact, coming to an end?
Well, if you’re me, you start to freak out a little.
I wish I could tell you I felt nothing but...
March 2013
7 posts
A Sidewalk Service.
I think forgiveness is a pretty big deal. Which is why I kind of didn’t want to say those three words, or at least go about “formally” forgiving, if there is such a thing, in the corner of a coffee shop. Even if it is a really cute coffee shop.
Call me theatrical, or sentimental, or anything else you choose, but I wanted to wait until today. The exact one year mark. I wanted...
Less Thorns. More Love.
I’ve had this crazy idea that somehow going back to the place where he proposed would help me heal. I’ve had this crazy idea that going back to the city that held more memories than one can hold with two hands would be necessary. I’ve had this crazy idea that taking a modern day pilgrimage with the sole purpose of letting go, of forgiving, of facing a place we once held dear...
Overdressed For A Wednesday.
I’ve talked about selling my dress, but the action ended the moment the words did.
I never found myself capable or willing to take the next step. Perhaps I thought it unfair, or simply did not want, to put the energy or effort into something I had just put energy or effort into finding in the first place. The dress, for months, has been stuffed in a closet. Out of sight, out of mind.
...
February 2013
5 posts
Yellow Walls and Pink Tape.
In June, I received an email from him.
I woke, and as I do every morning, glanced through everything on my phone that had occurred over then night. I woke, and as I was not expecting, felt my heart drop, stomach cringe, and body begin to shake, as my eyes fell upon his name appeared in my Inbox. I lay there, asking God for strength, because Lord only knew what was before me. I lay there, not sure...
Room For Endless Twirls.
I have found that my healing, and my storage shed, are in fact alike.
The thought came a few days back, rummaging through the few boxes that sprinkle the ground. I was so excited, packing up a number of things that were heading to anthers home, heading towards new memories, better uses. The thought came, and began to snowball until now.
And yes, these are things I think about.
My healing,...
Easier With A Light On.
I think I’ve shifted slowly into a less than positive outlook.
Not that I have been walking around looking and sounding like a Negative Nancy, but I have found I have been looking at, or concentrating on the negative aspects of certain things, rather than the abundant amount of positive ones that go along with it, hand in hand.
It has to do with relationships. I remember growing up, going...
Mile Fifteen.
I feel stuck.
This past week has been great, it really has. I’ve found a “happy” every day, and with every day, I cherish them more and more. I’ve gotten to write on the whiteboard in class for the first time in this new career, which yes, isn’t an overly large deal, but incredibly fun nonetheless. I’ve taught a lesson on simple division, done more yoga in...
January 2013
103 posts
Let Me Bloom Already!
It’s been ten days. Ten days since I have written. I promised myself I would not miss a day. But I feel over the past two months, I have been slowly lacking.
A part of me finds some peace in this, that the need to write every day is no longer the sole way for me to make it through the day. A part of me, is excited, that I now feel I am at a place where I have so many things to choose from every...
Enough For Now.
In the days after our goodbye, we’ve talked. Not everyday, as we thought spacing out phone calls would be wise.
But tonight, in a conversation that began so normal, ended so differently. In one fell swoop.
He said he cared about me so much that he has to let me go. Because as much as it hurst and will hurt, it is what’s for the best. Because I am not ready. Because I want to heal....
Not Just Stickers.
Today was the first day back at work and I don’t think I have ever been so excited to say that.
I did my best yesterday to prepare for this week, for getting back in the swing of things. This of coarse entailed picking up the van, deciding on a first day back to school outfit (yes I am acknowledging this as a real thing), and sifting through the dollar bin at Target for stickers. All of...
First Things First.
I’ve decided I would like to start riding again. The only two times I have ridden a biker this year have been in April and the other dressed as an elf. I have a bike, and I have decided, I would actually like to start using it.
Deciding where to put it in this petite little space is a debate all in itself, seeing as there is no space to begin with. But, it will be in this apartment, even if...
Every Little Bowl.
I love filling this petite space with people. And tonight, a small group of them came over, and we ate. Tonight, was another Family Dinner. I made that same casserole I have made two times this week already, and yes I’ve found something I can make and may or may not be running with it.
My “happy” was making food for those around me. It was the laughing and talking and beings...
Two Left Feet.
There is one line dance in particular I fear.
It’s considered to be one for beginners, but for one reason or another, as soon as it starts and everyone else’s boots get a scooting, mine get more tangled. Then I search the room, trying to find a pair to mimic, which would in fact work, if I weren’t always facing the wrong way in the first place. I feel that I would be better off with two left...
"I'll Be Restrained."
Today marks day one of two in training for work.
What says happy winter break like a sixteen hour course? PACT does. And now, I am happy to report, I am halfway certified in Professional Assault Crisis Training. Besides the part where I had no idea this type of training existed in the first place, I am still happy to report I’ve almost completed it.
My “happy” was looking...
A Handyman At Its Finest.
My ex’s dad could fix anything.
He was a handyman at its finest, but more than his skill, it was his passion for his projects that never ceased to amaze me. I used to love listening to him explain in the most precise detail what he was working on, what he had left to do, how every bit of it was going. I used to love listening to him, because he loved talking about it. There is something...
Hope And A Long Run Back.
I started running again. And by that I mean today was my beginning effort of running again. I laced up those pink shoes, grabbed the headphones, picked a suitable Pandora station, and out the door I was. It was happening.
I’ve missed it. Had you told me I would ever say that in regards to running, I would have laughed, and probably wouldn’t have been able to stop. But I do miss it....
Okay With The Frame.
I feel better today, having had time to process, and write, and process some more.
Driving home, windows down, feeling wind swirl its way around me, I began to laugh. It wasn’t a hearty chuckle, nor exceptionally loud. It was quiet, it was soft, but it was there. It absolutely was there. Not that anything was particularly funny, I simply laughed, and the next thing out of my mouth held more...
Saying Goodbye.
I didn’t mention this before, but I questioned coming out to Michigan or not. For the handful of days before my flight, I felt a weight on my heart. Boarding that plane, was something I wasn’t sure I could do.
Thank the Lord I did, for I could not imagine not experiencing this incredible week with this incredible man. Could not imagine bringing in the New Year with anyone else. Could...
Sick Is Normal Too.
Over the course of the day, the man I got to have a week of normal with quickly went from “pretty alright” to “101.9 fever”.
As it turns out, sick is normal too.
Tonight was a mixture of a blanket, a couch, grilled cheese, tomato soup, a foot rub, and cup after cup of tea. And while it wasn’t the night either of us had expected or planned on, it turned out to be a...
Holland.
Today I woke up and went on an adventure.
Dan handed the keys to the rental car over to me, simply calling it “mine”. So there it was, a Friday, him at work, a California girl in a snowy state, and a rental car. How does one not go on an adventure?
I was told there was a town not over an hour away that was a great place to walk around. Lots of fun shops, lots of things to be seen....
Seven Straight Days Of Normal.
Getting to know someone who doesn’t live in your same state means the idea of “normal” essential goes out the window. Yes, communication is built strongly and thoroughly and absolutely a plus to a long distance anything. But eating together, going for a walk, sitting on the couch, they don’t happen daily or weekly or simply often at all. Which brings me to another plus, the...
Eleven And A Half Hours.
Eleven and a half hours. That’s the amount of time it takes to get from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to Grand Rapids, Michigan. That’s the amount of time we spent together, in that Chrysler 200 rental car.
Someone told me you really get to know a person on a road trip. And while I understand this wasn’t a month long, cross county sort of thing, it was still a long time in a small...
Regroup.
A great party, a lack of sleep, and a bed upon a floor made for at tired and non-energetic self. Today, I moved slowly, and felt my reactions and responses were having an even rougher go at it.
I feel I am a quiet person. Yes, I have my moments, but I throughly enjoy living by myself, in this petite space. I get overwhelmed by large groups quicker than most. But with that I try. I don’t...
Not Sitting On A Curb.
I have one image in my head of a questionable time.
When people would ask, were there signs? Did you see it coming?
I would look at them, feel scared out of my wits, slightly stupid, and quizzically have to respond a quiet “No.”
But I do have one image, looking back, that changes that answer ever so slightly.
It was on New Year’s Eve, and my friend had her fair share of...
And A Futon Heavy As Heck.
Los Angeles to Philadelphia. The New Years trip is here.
The person picking me up in yet another city? Dan. Am I nervous? Yes. Can I not wait? No.
The plan is to stay here until Tuesday then head back to Grand Rapids, Michigan, together. In the meantime, it’s one big group. The same I met at the wedding over three months ago. The same wedding where he was a groomsman, and I a bridesmaid....
